Friday, August 16, 2013

My tortoise is an asshole.

This is Tuga.

He is my...ahem, RHM's tortoise. Tuga is an asshole.

He gets SUPER stoked when I walk through the door and tries to climb up the sides of his box to get to me. He makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. He can't wait to see me every day! HE LOVES ME! Then, I feed him and he COMPLETELY ignores me and CHOWS down on his food like some kind of animal. When he's had his fill, he slowly creeps to the corner furthest away from me and sleeps for the rest of the day.

I started to get kind of sensitive about it.

Then, I realized: Tuga's a typical male. Well played, Mother Nature. Well played.


The Average Person

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

The Average Fashion Blog

Oh, hi. I wasn't expecting you; how are you? I know, I know, I took a little hiatus while that little human that calls me "mom" healed from his accident. BUT I'M BACK. Lately I've gotten a lot of comments on how fashionable I am and how I should write my own fashion blog post. So, here I am. Okay, so these comments may have come about during a conversation between me and my Pineapple Upside-down Cake cocktail, but I'm going for it, anyway! If I this post is well-received, I may even share my recipe for this delectable cocktail. That's not a bribe, people.
SO. It's widely known that the world is a shallow, expensive, materialistic place in which women are forced to look cute at all times or be shunned and put in the "uggo" category. If I had one wish, I'd change that. And no, that's not a Miss America "World Peace" cop out; I seriously wish the world's expectation of women could be changed. But, can't. So, what I'd like to do is change your expectation for yourself. In my own experience, it almost never matters if I actually look cute...I have to feel cute. So, I make it my goal to feel cute every day, whether it's just wearing a pretty nail polish color or doing my eye shadow differently than normal. Here are the steps in the Average Person's daily "feel cute" routine.


It's kind of important, right? If you're having a "bad hair day," your whole day will be thrown off. Here are my tips:

1. Start off with a lousy, 4 year-old T shirt to take a picture for your internet blog. The internet's not forever, right??

2. Ignore the first step.

3. Notice that the second step wasn't actually a step and start off with wet hair; right out of the shower.

4. Comb through it. Then wait 30-ish minutes for your hair to dry and viola!


Helpful Hint: If you don't have 30 minutes
to spare, you can also blow dry your hair.

Almost as important as hair, make-up can make or break your look. Too much make-up and you could be mistaken for a hooker; too little and you've got people asking if you're sick all day. What do I do, you ask? (It's okay that you didn't ask, I'll tell you anyway)
 1. Eye liner. Any color, top eyelid only, winged end optional.
2. Apply any color(s) eye shadow you'd like and inadvertently pose seductively.
3. Apply mascara to top and bottom lashes.
4. Apply whatever the hell color lipstick you want. Lipstick is the KEY to feeling cute.
Then pose in your car with Mini Thor!

Accessorize, people! I don't care if it matches or not. Whatever accessories you love, USE.

Why, yes, I do love this nail color. And not ONLY because it's name has the word "mimosa" in it.
Pinterest has given me way unrealistic expectations of what nails are supposed to look like.

I have weird feet, but my shoes are FAB!

 $10 Ross shoes and $6 Forever 21 sunglasses. The cheaper, the better baby.
Obviously, I can't take a picture like a normal person.

The Whole Package

Let's talk outfits. Now, I made a comment in the accessories section about cheap being GREAT. Society makes us think that more expensive means AWESOME, but that's only sometimes the case. Everything I'm wearing in this section is second hand or bought on sale (or at Ross). Something about me: I will rarely buy any fashion items for full price; I wait for sales (and I shop at Ross). There is NOTHING wrong with that. It's smart! Don't let society trick you into spending a ton of money simply because of a brand. There's absolutely nothing wrong with a knockoff. Unless you're one of those Prada/Gucci/Coach snobs...but, I  highly doubt any of those are reading this blog, ha! Anyway, here is the Average Person in three different CHEAP outfits.

This whole outfit cost me $10.50. The top and shrug are from JC Penny's, the skirt is secondhand from a friend and the chunky necklace was .50 cents at a thrift store!

I got this shirt at Ross for $6 and I picked up the American Eagle shorts at a thrift store for $2!

This is my signature outfit. I have this shirt in EVERY COLOR. $5 at JC Penny's and the shorts were on sale for $9 at a department store in my home town.

And there you have it! Now, don't get me wrong. My other signature outfit is an old T shirt and skinny jeans. Your definition of "feeling cute" may be completely different from mine. So, create your own "cute" and feel good about yourself. Size and style be damned. Don't let the media and those scary, skinny models get to you. Be you and your own "cute."


The Average Person